Okay – this may seem to be a bit of a shift in territory to most of the regular readers. After all, what has forgiveness got to do with NLP?
Well, if you remember the things I’ve been emphasizing, NLP is a modeling methodology. Forgiveness is a cognitive and behavioral pattern that can be repeated, and while most people see no need to forgive, I think that is probably not true.
I’ll take the concept of ‘responsibility’. Not many people actually know what to do when disappointment hits them. Sometimes, we are disappointed by people, sometimes by ourselves. In many of my seminars, I teach people the concept of taking responsibility, and it gets mixed up with two things.
First, people tend to use the statements against other people. They say “you should take responsibility” or “you’re not taking responsibility”. This is not the way you use the concept or principle of responsibility because this, ironically, shows how much you are not taking responsibility yourself. Conversely, when I say you have to “take responsibility”, I’m using it in the technical sense of the word, rather than using it as a blaming tool.
Second, it seems like some people take to heart that because the word “responsibility” has certain connotations, they think they have to “blame” themselves, or that they were somehow at fault.
Don’t get me wrong, the technical definition of responsibility has nothing to do with blaming or finding fault. Instead, it should be an internal quality you consider yourself. Could you have done something else to create an outcome that is more suitable for you?
The concept of responsibility also comes with the tagline called “choice”. I believe it is the single most important power we have as human beings and while you may feel you did not have a choice in certain cases (and I believe that could be true), I trust that it was a decision not to have a choice in the first place.
When we say “I’m sorry”, it tends to be heavily associated with the feeling called guilt. If you are asking for forgiveness, it must mean you feel or are guilty. You want to make amends. You want to recover from regret.
On the other hand, what happens when you think you are right? What happens when you tell yourself that it’s someone else’s fault that things went wrong? That it’s got nothing to do with you?
The former indicates that you want closure and wholeness. The latter indicates you wish for distance and segregation.
We know that seperation, rejection and distance actually creates emotional pain that activates the same brain regions as real physical pain. And unless you think that’s healthy, it probably would be a good idea for you to seek closure.
How would this take place?
If someone caused you grievous harm, would you be able to forgive that person? At first look, it seems like it’s impossible and I think I know the reason why.
Look at society. It’s a dog-eat-dog world, where we return tit for tat. It’s an eye for an eye! Still quite primitive and most people do this for protection purposes. When have you actually seen, spread in the media, people actually espousing forgiveness as the road to recovery or healing or success? I’d dare say very seldom. The media attacks failure – no, it literally sensationalizes failure through its attack on failure.
On the other hand, it never glorifies people who are seeking forgiveness in the world, and somehow, that doesn’t seem to draw very much press. I’ll bet to most people in media, violence grabs more attention, but forgiveness is boring! It’s like shark attacks. Sensational. Draws readers with shock and awe. Yet, coconuts cause greater danger and more deaths than sharks.
We have many role models for criticizing others. We have so few role models for forgiveness. Well, allow me to introduce you to one such role model. Watch this video closely.
